21 November, 2013

Creative update!

Although it's been AGES since I posted something arty and crafty, I have been busy. One that I completed I can't publish in case the person it is intended for gets wind of it...enough said.
Instead I'll show you what I got up to over the last few weekends. Dot (the dear lady next door) recently purchased a slimline modern light box. I forget the proper name for it, but she invited me over to use it. I traced all of my springtime motifs and today bought whisper weft, cut it and ironed it on.
The squares are now ready for the embroidery to commence.

I've also still had project life on the go - am way behind in printing photos though, and if you visit my Turkish Delights meets 12WBT blog you'll see the reward charts and reward jar that I gleefully created last week!!

So, watch this space to see how these lovelies turn out!

19 November, 2013

3 months...

How fast did the last 3 months go...parts of it seemed frozen in time....yet here I am, still in one piece 3 1/2 months on from the loss of our angelbaby.

This week we reached the 3 month milestone since I had my vaccinations, which means we can start trying again. I don't know what I thought would happen, but it was just a day like any other - nothing earth shattering occurred but it was a pretty big deal for me. I don't have to remember to buy condoms anymore - something we have never used in our entire marriage. I hate them, Marko hates them. Random I know..

So we are officially trying again. Our loss still haunts me and the pain clutches at my heart now and then but I'm not as desperately lost as I was. I definitely still have those moments, but not as frequently.

Hopefully soon we'll have some good news.

10 September, 2013

updating PL

After the month from hell I decided this afternoon to sit down and figure out how the hell to document it in my Project Life album.

After losing our Angel baby, I did not take a single photo. I did not find anything I wanted to capture from the month. I think it has just been too painful. so here is what I decided to do - condense 4 weeks which should have stretched over 4 double page spreads, into 1 double page spread. Using my trusty digital elements and photoshop I have printed my blog posts in place of photos.

And here is how it is looking so far...

Title page - not complete

week 31 - waiting for photos

weeks 32, 33, 34 and beginning of week 35:

So, weeks 32 and 33, using a blog post below.

Long blog post "Shattered dreams"
Weeks 34 and beginning of week 35 last few days of August...
The summary page isn't finished yet but I feel better having put it together. 

03 September, 2013


So like most people I've heard about the stages of grief and never paid all that much attention to it....until this weekend just gone. While talking to my dear friend I realised that at some point last week I'd been overcome with a burning anger. It wasn't tied to particular events (so I thought - HA) but I was angry at everything and everyone. I got so angry I couldn't even look at my darling husband...I thought I was losing my mind. Every little thing had steam pouring out my ears. I got so bad that my usually incredibly tolerant husband got completely fed up with me and started ignoring me. I don't think he knew how else to cope with the blind anger.

And I am angry.

I know I have a right to be. My baby, who hardly even lived, is dead. I won't get to hold it, find out if it was going to be a blue one or a pink one...and it sucks. Once I realised where the anger was coming from I have managed to ease back a bit. I'm still pissed but it's not my husbands  fault. Unfortunately the fault lies with my body. Something went wrong. Very wrong.

You know what, I'm also angry that this whole experience has left me not wanting / fearing intimacy with my husband. What the hell??? My libido has always been pretty good...without going into too much personal information...but now I'd rather not be touched...touching even hugging leads to the tears and I'm so so tired of crying. I had to have a rubella injection after we lost our little angel.Now we aren't allowed to 'try' for 3 months. I'm utterly terrified that now that we aren't supposed to that we will and our next child will suffer the consequences of being conceived while I have the live virus in me.

We have never had to worry about contraceptives before because we've always been trying, since his reversal, and now we have been using condoms, and I know they aren't 100% effective....so how can I enjoy intimacy when I'm angry, sad and terrified....it's not possible. So on top of putting up with an angry wife I think my hubby also feels a bit rejected, so now on top of all that I feel guilty....time for a padded cell....perhaps...

I guess it's just a day at a time...for now...

28 August, 2013

A month...

It's been nearly a month...

I still cry, just not every day and not for hours....I read something or see a photo of someone I know with their baby or pregnant belly and it tears me appart. It's like there is part of me that is happy for them and part of me that is angry that I'm not getting that same chance to grow round with my baby then hold it and take millions of photos to celebrate the miracle of life...instead I feel empty and ripped off.

It is this exactly!

I'm trying to let myself just feel the emotions instead of eating to push it down as I've done in the past...but it's so hard, I'd rather not feel the way I'm feeling.

16 August, 2013

Sore Eyes, Broken Heart

Well after a couple of good days (when I say good days, I mean days when I didn't do more than get tears in my eyes - they didn't multiply and run down my face in rivers), last night I lost it again. I cried for hours over kind words and the babies of friends in my life - so much so that today my eyes are puffy and sore...Please don't stop sharing their photos, I want to know them, I just have moments of devastating sadness when my heart breaks all over again when I realise I'll never hold our little Angel baby...

Admidst the tears last night I decided I need to do something to memorialise our baby. I can't decide between white roses for innocence or the flowers of the month our angel would have been due, Gladiolis for March. It would have been late March or early April, but for my own sake I've decided on March.

Not sure...a close friend lost a baby at 12 weeks years ago and she has a rose. It blooms every year on her due date....she also has a ring with what would have been it's birth stone, I love that idea too... Not really sure and I have time to decide. I guess I will know what is right for me when I see it.

15 August, 2013

2 weeks...

Two weeks tomorrow since the earth beneath me began to shake, one week yesterday since they confirmed I had lost our baby. All physical signs of our pregnancy are gone, but I continue to cry each day. We don't even know how far along we were...my dating scan would have been in another two weeks....but this week we would have been somewhere between 6 and 8 weeks...I don't really know and that somehow makes it so much worse.

On the day the dr told us our baby was gone, he informed me I have no immunity to rubella or hepititus b and that I needed to get re-vaccinated. I had those today. Due to the live rubella virus now running rampant in my body we can't conceive or plan to conceive for a minimum of 3 months. It breaks my heart that we can't just start trying again....now. I want to and he wants to...but we can't risk the effects the virus would have on our next baby. After losing one, I will not knowly endanger the next one. I will do everything in my power to ensure the next ones safety. Losing one has been horrible enough, I don't know how I would cope losing a second.

I worry that we've had our one shot, and I blew it....

I worry that we won't be able to conceive again....

I worry that he blames me...that I did something to cause this...

I worry and I worry....

I cry and I cry....randomly and without warning....