03 September, 2013


So like most people I've heard about the stages of grief and never paid all that much attention to it....until this weekend just gone. While talking to my dear friend I realised that at some point last week I'd been overcome with a burning anger. It wasn't tied to particular events (so I thought - HA) but I was angry at everything and everyone. I got so angry I couldn't even look at my darling husband...I thought I was losing my mind. Every little thing had steam pouring out my ears. I got so bad that my usually incredibly tolerant husband got completely fed up with me and started ignoring me. I don't think he knew how else to cope with the blind anger.

And I am angry.

I know I have a right to be. My baby, who hardly even lived, is dead. I won't get to hold it, find out if it was going to be a blue one or a pink one...and it sucks. Once I realised where the anger was coming from I have managed to ease back a bit. I'm still pissed but it's not my husbands  fault. Unfortunately the fault lies with my body. Something went wrong. Very wrong.

You know what, I'm also angry that this whole experience has left me not wanting / fearing intimacy with my husband. What the hell??? My libido has always been pretty good...without going into too much personal information...but now I'd rather not be touched...touching even hugging leads to the tears and I'm so so tired of crying. I had to have a rubella injection after we lost our little angel.Now we aren't allowed to 'try' for 3 months. I'm utterly terrified that now that we aren't supposed to that we will and our next child will suffer the consequences of being conceived while I have the live virus in me.

We have never had to worry about contraceptives before because we've always been trying, since his reversal, and now we have been using condoms, and I know they aren't 100% effective....so how can I enjoy intimacy when I'm angry, sad and terrified....it's not possible. So on top of putting up with an angry wife I think my hubby also feels a bit rejected, so now on top of all that I feel guilty....time for a padded cell....perhaps...

I guess it's just a day at a time...for now...

No comments:

Post a Comment