2 weeks...

Two weeks tomorrow since the earth beneath me began to shake, one week yesterday since they confirmed I had lost our baby. All physical signs of our pregnancy are gone, but I continue to cry each day. We don't even know how far along we were...my dating scan would have been in another two weeks....but this week we would have been somewhere between 6 and 8 weeks...I don't really know and that somehow makes it so much worse.

On the day the dr told us our baby was gone, he informed me I have no immunity to rubella or hepititus b and that I needed to get re-vaccinated. I had those today. Due to the live rubella virus now running rampant in my body we can't conceive or plan to conceive for a minimum of 3 months. It breaks my heart that we can't just start trying again....now. I want to and he wants to...but we can't risk the effects the virus would have on our next baby. After losing one, I will not knowly endanger the next one. I will do everything in my power to ensure the next ones safety. Losing one has been horrible enough, I don't know how I would cope losing a second.

I worry that we've had our one shot, and I blew it....

I worry that we won't be able to conceive again....

I worry that he blames me...that I did something to cause this...

I worry and I worry....

I cry and I cry....randomly and without warning....